Happy Holi & International Womens’ Day

By Kavya Kaushik

Today is a glorious Hindu festival of Holi, pretty much one of the most awesome festivals in the world. On Holi everyone drinks cannabis milkshake, wears white clothing and runs into the street to chuck paint and coloured powder at each other. There are Hindu stories of Lord Krishna teasing Radha on Holi, casually flirting with her and throwing paint on her to show her his interest in her. This is so ingrained in our mythology that I learnt an entire Kathak piece on it in India recently. In order to demonstrate this fun festival, here is a bollywood song:

Now, let’s watch this without the rose tinted glasses of Yash Chopra. At 2.49 a girl is forcibly picked up against her will. At 4.45 an intoxicated boy grabs hold of a girl. Minus the confines of this film, this happens on the streets of India on Holi. Lads think they’re being romantic like the films have demonstrated to them. As it is not just Holi but also International Womens’ Day, I thought it would be appropriate to look into women in Holi.

After the light hearted Bollywood romance fade we enter the realm of inappropriate touching. As you’re smearing colour on a girl of your fancy, smearing just a cheekbone may not be enough. A casual grope, a kiss on the cheek, hey it’s just expected religious flirting. But what’s next? Grabbing the girl? Well that’s definitely next, the song above shows that. But then where do you take the girl? I doubt it’s to the other side of the dance choreography. It’s more likely to be in the backseat of someone’s car. Sadly Holi is not just the festival of merriment, on Holi thousands of girls are raped across India in the name of romantic merriment.

Please take a moment to read this horrific how to guide “Holi Seduction” on a men’s dating site. Here is a sample:

“Trust me, bhang does get people horny. Probably the one reason our parents play Holi. (..) The push and pull technique is about figuratively pushing the girl to come on to you. The more eager she is, the more you brush her off. Act cool and cocky and give her the impression that she’s the one who’s hitting on you. Warn her that she can arrested for date rape. Keep playing with her all this while. Start touching her – if she’s enjoying your attention, whisper into her something on the lines of ‘would you like to see my bedroom.’”

Thank you so much lad for your remarkable dating techniques. This is just what I needed in my life. As you’ve been so grateful to lend me your dating tips, I have my own survival guide for Holi.

No Fear

Today when a creepy man approaches you don’t have to talk his bullshit. Don’t have the fear to tell him to bugger off. You can empower yourself by not submitting, not giggling and not being afraid. You have the right to choose who touches your body.

All Jokes Apart

Verbal sexual harrassment is still sexual harrasment. Any joke where you feel uncomfortable is not a joke. I’m sure you are clever enough not to laugh at shitty humour to make yourself feel clever.

Basically I don’t have to continue because you are bright and confident and don’t need to be told not to get drugged up and date raped. For this International Womens’ Day don’t let a prick take advantage of you.

Please note, the above guide is also applicable to Lib Dem Conference.

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