Rick Santorum and the Sanctity of Marriage

By Trevor Lamberty

By now, most (if not all) Americans (and many others from around the world) have not doubt heard of the infamous Rick Santorum (or, to some, Prick Sanscrotum). People, this dude is something else. He was somehow elected to the United States Senate when it’s quite obvious that he’s never even read the Constitution of the United States of America. Picture every theocrat and idiot creationist in the history of the world all rolled together into one frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter. That, ladies and gentlemen, is what is known as [Rick] Santorum.

Now, I’m certain most of you reading this will probably say something along the lines of “Oh, Trevor, I think you’re just exaggerating”, but listen to what this piece of work said just recently. Rick Santorum actually said he will un-marry gay couples if elected. He said, “We can’t have 50 marriage laws in this country. You have to have one marriage law.” Right, so when there’s a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, you know what that means? That means that all the happy LGBT couples in this country will be “forcefully divorced”. Does that seem unnerving to anyone else?

Another thing that can be said about our dear beloved Foamy, why would he un-marry gay couples in the first place? I’ll bet you anything he’d say “Well, it’s against the Bible.” Weeeeeell, Rick, we have this lovely thing in America, you know…the First Amendment. *Ahem* Allow me: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.” Now, Foamy, please continue to inform me on how this will pass Congress (and the Supreme Court). I’d love to hear your flawless justification. *Noted sarcasm is noted*

This brings me to another point in my ADHD mind: the “sanctity of marriage”. Folks, the sanctity of marriage is just something that we made up. It’s the same thing as the sanctity of life. Why is it sacred? Cuz we’re alive. Same with marriage. Why is it sacred? Cuz we’re married…now get back in the kitchen. I have a point to bring to those who claim that the sanctity of marriage actually exists: What about the sanctity of divorce? You know, the leading cause of divorce is marriage, but there’s nothing sacred about that, is there? No, not last I checked. And for the record, Newt Gingrich cheated on two of his wives *that we know of*, but nobody’s going after him for breaking the sanctity of marriage, are they? Nope. Or what about some guy who comes home from a night out at the club and fondles his daughter’s babysitter on their couch? Does he go to prison for violating the sanctity of marriage? Only if she’s under 18. But these people don’t crab about straight people cheating on their wives and whatnot, but if a gay couple wants to get married, it’s all “NO! THEY’RE VIOLATING OUR CIVIL RIGHTS!! RAH RAH, SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE, RAH RAH BIBLE, RAH RAH RAGE!!!!” Thus, the Conservative Effect: “I can do whatever I want because I’m a straight white male, but if you try to do the same thing, I’m gonna shoot you down with my brand new gun that Obama wants to take away.” (Note: Obama has never said anything about coming after your guns; it’s the Second Amendment, and the man did teach constitutional law)

But that’s the kind of thing we have to deal with in America: these Christian conservatives who want nothing less than the guaranteed right to push their agenda into American life and American schools. And I cannot stress enough “Congress shall make no law…” But what do I know? I’m just a teenager.

More about this Santorum guy: He thinks about gay sex a lot. In fact, Bill Maher recently looked through some of Rick’s Tweets and found one that I found particularly interesting: “If people thought about gay sex as much as I do, they’d realize how disgusting it is.” Oh, Foamy, you so fuuunny! This guy actually seems to think he can win this election and beat the stone wall that is Barack Obama based on his hatred of gays and gay sex! Now, keep in mind, this is the same guy that is opposed to all abortion, unless it’s his wife’s. Then he’s just fine with it.

I think one of the things Americans see so much of in Santorum (aside from rampant stupidity) can be found in one of his nicknames. America seems to have dubbed him “The Culture Warrior”, a name that scares me even more. A percentage, however large or small, of the American people actually think this guy is the embodiment of what the Founding Fathers wanted. Misinformed Americans are misinformed.

It’s just like these people who claim that America is a Christian nation. *buuuzzz* Nope! Not a Christian nation; never was, never will be. Need proof? I advise you to read this little ditty from the Treaty of Tripoli: (Article 11) “As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion,—as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquility, of Mussulmen,—and as the said States never entered into any war or act of hostility against any Mahometan nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.”

In short, what I’m basically trying to say is that America is one screwed up place. And for some reason, I sincerely believe that this Santorum guy is dangerous. To everyone. That is all.

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One thought on “Rick Santorum and the Sanctity of Marriage

  1. I share your dislike of Rick Santorum and support gay marriage – but I have to say that I find your decision to describe him as “Prick Scrotorum” to be purile and childish, which undermines your article, and your description of him as Foamy (as an allusion to the Google-inspired “redefinition” of santorum as a noun) is even more ridiculous and counterproductive.

    To win the argument against Santorum, all we need to do is highlight the ridiculous nature of his ideology – and let those flaws speak for themselves, without the unnecessary garnish.

    Above all we must always remember that, while conservatives are by definition reactionary and scared of ordinary citizens having social freedoms, liberals are the ones who trust the people. The moment we forget that we are the adults in the room, and start throwing insults instead of logic and reason, is the moment that liberals lose the argument!

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